For a year, I've been looking forward to this as my lifeline, as what will literally get me back to the active, enjoyable life I remember.
For the same year, the realization that the transplant is looming has clouded almost everything he's done. Logically, he knows it's a step forward. But the operation, the meds, the whole process has him frightened.
-edit 5/28/2010-
I'm posting here after the transplant but the insight gleaned was valuable. Holly was moving emotionally from dying to rebirth. Her body was failing her and only extreme effort was going to hold that eventuality at bay. However, things were going on unregulated and because the disease was in control of the rate of failure there was little either of us could do. Holly's nephrologist said as much. I hit the skids emotionally the first time when we went to tell Holly's parents and the direness of her situation came home to me.
As it became time for the transplant it became more and more my concern that we would become responsible to and for this organ. Once the graft was made it would become our responsibility to regulate things that take care of themselves for most people and would no longer take care of themselves. We were moving to a new state of vigilance as trustees of this gift. Also I was (and am) faced with my responsibility in the face of all the communicable illnesses presented to me because I work at a university with many stressed students. Having a working immune system allows for a more carefree life. I also do not like to be in a situation where I do not know my responsibilities or my capability to meet them.
My anxiety was immaterial compared to the potential for a new and challenging life for Holly. At this point after the transplant I'm figuring out my role and helping Holly as she settles in to her second life.
-RSS-
It's like I've been carrying a lot of this silently -- which is true -- and he's not sure he can handle the next step, as it will involve having to care for me to a certain extent, drive me around and (most likely) argue with me when I want to do too much.
I think at base it's setting a date that makes it all too real.
